Can “Playing Around” Boost Your Romantic Life?

By Douglas LaBier • April 3, 2021

A recent research review suggests that being playful in your romantic relationship is important for increasing the happiness and longevity of the relationship. Now, by “play around” I don’t mean checking out dating apps or Ashley Madison, unbeknownst to your partner. Nor do I mean “playing games”—which partners often do as a means to manipulate or dominate, and which creates much material for couples therapy.

No, being “playful” with your partner refers to engaging with playful attitudes, communication, and behavior. The research found that playfulness generates positive emotions and stimulates beneficial biological processes, including the activation of certain brain circuits. And that influences how the couple communicates and interacts—which helps deal with stress and tension. That, in turn, enhances the quality and duration of the relationship.

The study was published in Social and Personality Psychology Compass. Interestingly, it’s congruent with some other, unrelated research that shows how you can consciously shift your emotions and behavior around conflict and frustration in your daily life and relationship.

For example, a study from the University of Miami found that people who can’t let go of small frustrations that occur from time to time—we all experience them—affect their brain activity in ways that lead to more negative emotions and less well-being. Dwelling in your annoyance or bruised ego intensifies negative emotions, which will often be displayed towards your partner in some form. Continue reading →

Narcissists Have Pathway To Success While Doing Harm To Others

By Douglas LaBier • March 2, 2021

This is no surprise to most anyone who’s worked in corporations, but a recent study documents that narcissists truly do become successful more easily in many organizational settings. And that takes a toll on peers and others in their orbit, from their arrogance, insensitivity, need to control and dominate. This confirms and adds to empirical evidence what we see in workplace and career consulting, as well as in psychotherapy with men and women dealing with the emotional impact of work-related conflicts.

The study, published in The Leadership Quarterly, was described by Carly Cassella in Science Alert. She writes, “People who are fundamentally entitled, self-confident, manipulative, and callous do really well in the modern workplace…(and) those who scored higher in extraversion, overconfidence, self-esteem, dominance, and authoritarianism were more likely to get appointed CEO after a certain amount of time at their firm.”

Moreover, Cassella continues,

Narcissism is known to be a dark trait, and individuals who are characterized by higher levels of narcissisms are known to procure negative outcomes for the firm, such as financial crime, tax avoidance, less collaborative cultures and more. Some studies have shown, for instance, that narcissistic CEOs are tied to unequal compensation, lower employee satisfaction, and a lack of communication in the workplace. They also appear more willing to commit crimes for the sake of the business.

“Once they’re in power, narcissists consolidate their position by firing everyone who challenges them,” explained psychologist Charles O’Reilly for the Stanford University newsroom in 2020. “In their place rise a plague of toadies, opportunists, and enablers equally guided by self-interest and short on scruples. So you end up with these individualistic cultures with no teamwork and low integrity. We’ve documented this in a bunch of Silicon Valley tech firms.”

Credit: Pexels/Dinielle De Veyra

Must Life Go Downhill As You Age, Or Do You Have a Choice?

By Douglas LaBier • January 26, 2021

Is it possible to become the person you hope to be as you age? The most positive version of yourself that embraces, yet transcends, the losses and declines that are part of life? Some recent research suggests that it is.

For example, a study from Oregon State found that how you envision the person you want to be as you become older is a good predictor of who you do become. That’s encouraging, though a bit mystifying, because there’s a missing piece: What, in fact, is it that could enable you to actually become that version of yourself? Actually, some answers are hiding in plain sight.

First, take a look at what we already know. How people perceive their lives at age 50 is a good predictor of their health decades later—including their cardiovascular system, their memory, hospitalizations, and even their mortality. And research has found that happier people are also healthier as they age. The question is, what accounts for those associations? And more importantly, what might enable you to consciously create a positive version of yourself over time?

To explore that, the researchers from Oregon State University looked at what fuels the self-perceptions that become associated with positive aging in people’s later years. They honed in on factors that are more than just your inherited biological tendencies—for example, how you consciously envision your future life to begin with, dimensions of your personality, your overall outlook on life, or your spirit.

Their findings were published in The International Journal of Aging and Human Development. In essence, the research found that If you believe you’re capable of becoming the person you want to be as you become older, that’s who you’re more likely to become. Continue reading →

New Pathways to Mental Health: What the Pandemic Reveals

By Douglas LaBier • December 30, 2020

Mental health issues have become highly visible since the arrival of COVID-19, acknowledged by the media, entertainers, sports stars, and even appearing in rap music. It’s good to see increasing openness about seeking help for depression, anxiety, drug and alcohol problems, and just the debilitating stress of isolation and confinement all mount in the reflection of the pandemic’s toll.

Interestingly, some new research points to features of mental health that will be needed for living in “The After Times,” which we’ll be heading into. Those findings link with what some have discovered creates greater emotional resiliency: Re-think what personal values make sense, and reflect on what they’re really living for. That’s one upside to some people’s experiences during “The Plague Year.”

And that’s important for mental health. Life will not return to what it was in “The Before Times.” As vaccines subdue the virus, much will be permanently altered: the physical workplace, attitudes about career pursuits, views about relationship conflicts and compatibility, how to conduct social life. And more broadly—perhaps most relevant to mental health—will be the increased revisiting of personal life goals and why they matter.

Here are a few emerging themes that link research with people’s experiences.

Step Outside Yourself

For many, the pandemic has awakened a greater sense of impermanence, ephemeralness, about life. It’s no longer just a concept. Suddenly, the lockdown happened, and we were in the midst of changes affecting how we live, work, and socialize. Continue reading →

How to Increase Relationship Intimacy in Stressful Times

By Douglas LaBier • October 28, 2020

In these times, couples that work from home and see each other 24/7 recognize the difficulty of staying emotionally and romantically connected, especially if they have children. Your living environment can feel confining and stressful, and the whole situation makes it difficult to give enough continuous attention to your romantic relationship. Many people are speaking about this dilemma in their psychotherapy sessions. Some recent research, however, suggests that a few simple steps can help energize your intimate connection with your partner as we all live through these pandemic days. Knowing how to do that will also benefit your relationship in “normal times,” when, hopefully, they return. Here are some of the steps people can take:

Express More Than just “Thanks!”

One of these new studies found that when you take time to express appreciation to your partner for even small acts of thoughtfulness – but with more descriptive words of gratitude than you might normally offer – the recipient reports feeling more positive and intimate toward you, in return.

To explain, it’s been established that gratitude creates greater bonds between people, but the researchers noted that some expressions of gratitude might cause the other person to feel guilty or embarrassed. So they looked more deeply into what occurs with different forms of expression. They found that when you elaborate on how grateful you feel about your loved one’s response to your needs, your partner feels more loving, in return. And that enhances the relationship between the two of you. An example: Saying not just, “Thanks for remembering to pick up some things from the cleaners,” but something like “Hey, that was really thoughtful that you remembered. It helped with my crazy schedule; I really appreciate that!” The research, described here, found that those additional expressions of gratitude arouse more positive emotions in the recipient towards the partner. And that can be especially good for your relationship during this period of home confinement. The study was led by a team from the University of Toronto and published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.

Two other findings reveal what else can help:

Align Your Personal Desires

This study found that communicating and describing to your partner what you’re aiming for or seeking — it may concern your personal goals, your work, your desires — tends to evoke the same desires in your partner, in his or her own way. And that creates a greater sense of connection. However, the research, from the University of Basil and described here, raises the possibility of either positive or negative outcomes when you do that with your partner. As I described in a previous post about “radical transparency,” the positive outcome of seeing a shared alignment is that it can strengthen feelings of intimacy; of being on the same “wavelength” on your journey together.

But it might also reveal that you’re not so aligned — that your partner reveals a desire for a different direction, or a different aim than your own. Of course, that could lead to positive, constructive efforts to resolve those differences. Or, it might expose deeper incompatibility. In any case, the stress of pandemic confinement upon couples highlights the importance of exploring whether you can create greater alignment in your individual life aims and desires during a stressful and uncertain time. And that outcome will carry over into post-pandemic times. The research was published in the Journal of Gerontology.

Finding Happiness With Each Other Increases Your Health

A third recent study found an interesting link: Couples that express happiness derived from just being together – through the ups and downs of life – tend to have greater overall health. Individuals in such couples experience less decline and fewer risk factors with age, according to the research, described here. I think that such couples are likely to share a common core of just enjoying each other’s company, along the way, whether by accident — “lucking out” with the right partner — or because they worked at building it. That was found in other research I described in a previous post as the “secret” of happy couples. The study linking happiness and health was conducted by Michigan State University and published in the Journal of Personality.

The accumulated evidence from these and similar empirical studies confirms and underscores what we see in therapy with individuals and couples. The data adds helpful guidance for finding ways to sustain intimacy during this time of extended stress. Needless to say, that’s also helpful for sustaining your emotional and romantic connection over the long run of your relationship.

Credit: Pexels

Becoming More Empathic May Change Your Political Views

By Douglas LaBier • September 29, 2020

Some interesting new research finds that people are capable of working consciously to develop or change dimensions of themselves, including personality traits such as empathy. That, in turn, can affect their views of social and political issues. Specifically, this study found that efforts to increase empathy in your relationships or more broadly, towards others — including those of different life experiences and situations — can lead to changes in your political ideology towards more liberal values.

The research from the University of Michigan and the University of Grenada, described here, found that developing greater empathy led to “…changes in their political souls as well, which maybe they weren’t intending. We saw that in these personality changes toward greater empathy, people placed a lot more importance upon more liberal ideologies — like how you should treat other people and take others’ perspectives,” according to lead author William Chopik.

This finding relates to what I’ve written about in a previous essay — what I called an “empathy deficit disorder.” Originally written for the Washington Post and then for Psychology Today, I explained that when you suffer from “EDD” you’re unable to step outside yourself and tune in to what other people experience, especially those who feel, think, and believe differently from yourself. That makes it a source of personal conflicts, of communication breakdown in intimate relationships, and of adversarial attitudes, including hatred, towards groups of people who differ in their beliefs, traditions, or ways of life from your own. I think that “empathy deficit disorder” is increasingly prominent in our society today; more so in this era of polarization of people’s beliefs, perspectives, values, and attitudes about public policy. Continue reading →

A Relationship Secret of the Happiest Couples: New Research

By Douglas LaBier • August 20, 2020

Why do some relationships look so promising, yet dissolve over time? And why do others, whose partners seem hopelessly mismatched, grow stronger? Much research has tried to identify the individual characteristics that make for a successful relationship, including how couples deal with conflict or communicate. All shed some light on what may underlie relationship success. But a new study of over 11,000 couples reveals a key ingredient that’s easily overlooked or ignored — and it’s the major predictor of relationship happiness, romantic intimacy, and connection.

It’s not how well two prospective partners matched up on a dating site. It’s not about personality features, personal history, or interests. These do play a role in predicting long-term relationship success, but the study found they play a much smaller role than one might think.

What’s the “Secret?”

Simply put, the research found that strongest predictor is the kind of relationship the partners create together, over time. That is, the quality of the relationship they experience transcends individual traits or characteristics in predicting the couple’s happiness over time.

The study, from Canada’s Western University, was based on a different kind of analysis of information from 43 studies of the 11,000 couples. As lead author Samantha Joel stated, “It suggests that the person we choose is not nearly as important as the relationship we build.” It’s the overall way the partners relate to each other. The research shows, she adds, that “the dynamic that you build with someone — the shared norms, the in-jokes, the shared experiences — is so much more than the separate individuals who make up that relationship.” Continue reading →

Do You Need a Partner to Have a Happy Life?

By Douglas LaBier • July 29, 2020

Both men and women often lament their prospects for happiness if they don’t find a partner. I’ve heard this from those who seek to find the “right” person for a relationship that will last and bring joy to their lives, and from others who were in a relationship that ended and really long for another. They dread the prospect of “ending up alone.”

But what do we really know about how being with a partner relates to a happy life? New studies reveal information some about that and point to what does support a “happy” life – more accurately described as one of mental and physical well-being; a sense of growth over time; and a feeling that it’s worth being alive, despite the ups and downs of life and the inevitable transitions and changes we experience.

Let’s look at some recent research into relationships and happiness. A study from Michigan State University assessed the happiness level of over 7000 people – those married, previously married, and those who remained single — from age 18 to 60. The researchers sought to find out, as in the classic Tina Turner song, “What’s love got to do with it?”

About 80 percent of participants had been consistently married, in one marriage; 13 percent had been in and out of relationships; and 8 percent had been consistently single. The researchers examined how the participants’ ratings of happiness related to the particular group they fell into.

The upshot of the study was that “…staking your happiness on being married isn’t a sure bet,” as co-author William Chopik reported. That is, the lifelong singles and those who had varied relationship histories didn’t differ in their level of happiness. Moreover, the lifelong married individuals showed only marginally higher levels of happiness. The research was published in the Journal of Positive Psychology. Continue reading →

How Does Wanting More Money vs. More Love Affect Your Mental Health?

By Douglas LaBier • June 29, 2020

Two recent pieces of research caught my eye the other day; and each brought to mind a different memory from our cultural past. Both the memories and the two studies strike me as relevant to the challenge of mentally healthy living in this age of the coronavirus.

One association was to a lyric from an early Beatles song; the other, a famous skit from the old comedy legend Jack Benny. The Beatles lyric was, “I don’t care too much for money / Money can’t buy me love,” from 1964’s “Can’t Buy Me Love” in the soundtrack of their movie, A Hard Day’s Night.

The other was a classic bit in which a robber accosted Jack Benny, pointed a gun at him, and said “Your money or your life!” Benny paused for some length of time, as the robber became more impatient, and made the demand again. Finally, Benny replied, “I’m thinking it over!”

Both struck me as relevant to the upheaval many people experience now: So many of us are hunkered down, working from home, dealing with the blurred separations of work and personal life. And unmoored, as well, by the financial uncertainties all of us face.

Consequently, I see many people rethinking or questioning what they’re living and working for, at this point. They wonder, what’s important to prioritize, given the “new normal” that may continue for some time? How can I best deal with a heightened sense of fear; of awareness of the unpredictability of life; of mortality?

To explain, let’s look at the first study, the one that reminds me of the Beatles’ lyric. It looked at people who identify their self-worth with financial success, and how that plays out in the quality of their relationships — including their connection with, or isolation from, other people in their lives. And, how their priority of financial success affects their sense of control over the course of their lives. Continue reading →

How Physical Affection and Emotional Exposure Affect Couples

By Douglas LaBier • June 2, 2020

During this time of the pandemic, do you find yourself wanting more physical touch, more contact, more emotional closeness? But confined with your partner, perhaps with children, irritations and minor conflicts may flare up more easily. You might also feel an absence of empathy from your partner — that he or she isn’t tuned in to what you’re feeling inside. How you deal with all of the above could fuel a positive “flow” in the relationship — or stir thoughts of post-pandemic divorce.

My work with individuals and couples during this “stay at home” period highlights how essential a deep longing for meaningful, positive connection, both physically and emotionally, is to most of us. Recognizing what leaves that desire unfulfilled during “ordinary” times can show what may help in today’s more stressful circumstances.

For example, the two partners’ desire and expectations for physical affection – both giving it and receiving it — may differ. That diminishes the quality of the relationship, if ignored and not dealt with in ways that promote mutual understanding and greater intimacy.

In another part of the relationship, the capacity — or desire — to tune in or “read” each other’s emotional experience may also differ. How each partner engages that dimension of the relationship is crucial to building positive connection, or diminishing it. That’s especially relevant to emotionally charged situations — for example, when one partner feels critical about the other and wants him or her to change some behavior or attitude. Continue reading →

How Are Mindfulness, Stress and Your Well-Being Connected?

By Douglas LaBier • May 12, 2020

Recently I came across two new, unrelated studies that together provide new evidence about the impact of mindfulness practice. One looked at the potential impact of being “in the moment” when you’re facing stressful problems or challenges that often arise in daily life—perhaps even more so, now, during the pandemic. Does it really help? Or can it hinder figuring out what you need to do to diminish your stress? The other study also looked at mindfulness, but with a broader focus: how it may affect or impede well-being over time as you deal with change over the years.

Interest in practicing mindfulness has become pretty mainstream in recent years as a way to help you stay focused and centered in the face of distracting emotions and thoughts. Many practice it in their daily lives, and it’s being applied to the workplace and leadership development, as well.

One new study from researchers at North Carolina State University looked specifically at how staying centered and living in the moment helped with daily stress, compared with coping strategies and trying to plan ahead to ward off future sources of stress. Is it more helpful to stay in the moment or better to engage in “proactive coping”?

The researchers found that it’s not either-or. The study consisted of 223 people—half young adults through their late 30s, half between 60 and 90, and they reported their level of mindfulness over time. It found evidence that proactive efforts to reduce the stressful situation were helpful in specific situations—but only when combined with mindfulness. On those days when the participant reported low mindfulness, the proactive strategy lost its apparent usefulness for minimizing the impact of daily stress. Continue reading →

Five Ways to Enhance Your Well-Being During the Pandemic

By Douglas LaBier • April 7, 2020

Yes, this is a terrifying, frightening time for everyone. COVID-19 is escalating throughout the world, and now the US is the epicenter. Most of us know by now some steps to take that can manage the anxiety it generates—how to best cope with daily reports about the rising number of cases and deaths.

Many helpful articles and guides are out there that list specific actions that can help your mental health and well-being. For example, maintaining connections with friends and family; exercising and following a good diet; being compassionate towards others — as described in this Nature article. Or, from the New York Times, staying grounded in the medical facts and data, because anxiety is fueled by misinformation and rumors; prepare for the worst, by stockpiling what you might need in the weeks ahead. And, ask for help when you need it; as well as offering help to others.

These are all useful guides for keeping daily anxiety and uncertainty at bay. They help you function as best you can in daily life, work, and relationships. But we’re in the midst of an evolving situation that can unleash a deeper kind of unmoored experience of your life; one that can immobilize you, despite taking all the steps that can help, situationally.

In my view, you can activate a broader set of mental and emotional capacities that help you actually thrive, through the unknown times ahead, during this period of terror; beyond just coping and managing anxieties. I say “thrive” — as strange as that may sound — because you need to have some sense of how to live as fully as you can. This is crucial during any period of terror — whether during a pandemic, in the midst of a war zone, or living in a concentration camp.

I suggest that you reflect on the following. Incorporate them into a daily mindfulness exercise, or mediation — or prayer, if that resonates more with you. Continue reading →

What’s the One Thing the Happiest Couples Do Differently?

By Douglas LaBier • September 25, 2019

Couples often ask what it takes to build and maintain happiness—whether in daily life together or for the long term. A new study sheds light on that. Its findings reveal one thing that happy couples do differently from other couples.

And the findings are consistent with what we see clinically, in couples who work through their issues in therapy and elevate a sustaining sense of happiness and positive connection with each other. But the research also reveals a downside to that “certain something” that happy couples do; and it is also crucial for sustaining a long-term, positive relationship, especially if ignored or swept under the rug.

To explain, the research, conducted by three universities, started out taking as a given that all couples deal with conflict; all will disagree and argue over a range of issues—for example, parenting behavior, financial matters, intimacy desires, and so forth.

To look beyond that, the study observed couples who were in their 30s, as well as those in their 70s—and who described themselves as happily married. Their years of marriage ranged from an average of nine among the younger couples to 42 years among the older ones. (Caveat: the couples were all heterosexual, mostly white, and educated).

For the research, the couples ranked their most and least serious issues. The findings revealed that the happiest couples argued about their issues in a specific way, across their age differences, and regardless of the length of their marriage years.

It was the way they argue that seems to make a difference: That is, they “tend to take a solution-oriented approach to conflict, and this is clear even in the topics that they choose to discuss,” said the study’s lead author Amy Rauer. Continue reading →

Why Your Work and Career Can Continue to Debilitate You

By Douglas LaBier • August 31, 2019

As we approach Labor Day this weekend, it’s a good time to reflect on some new findings about the negative impact work and career have upon a broad spectrum of workers. The new studies add to a picture that’s been accumulating for some time: You’re likely to experience increasing dissatisfaction, stress and damage — both psychologically and physically — in today’s workplace culture and management. And that’s across all organizations in all sorts of jobs, careers, and workplaces.

Many of the findings shed light on why that is, and what may help; but often do so indirectly, by virtue of what’s missing from them. That is, some are based on extensive surveys, but they tend to ignore two underlying sources for so many people: Psychologically unhealthy management and leadership; and our cultural definition of success.

Both are visible in the following studies — including what is needed in both for positive change.

One example is a new survey from CareerCast. It found that a vast majority of Americans feel very stressed at work; that 78% rated their job stress at seven or higher on a 10-point scale. And that was a jump from the 2017 CareerCast stress survey, which found that 69% scored their job stress seven or higher.

The most common stress factor cited was meeting deadlines (38% of respondents). Keep in mind that the average American between 25 and 54 spends 40.3 hours per week at work, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics. That’s approximately one-quarter of the entire week; a third of waking time for those who sleep an average of seven hours per night. When you include travel time to and from work, that increases it further. Continue reading →

Richard Branson Speaks About Happiness and Success

By Douglas LaBier • August 12, 2019

Billionaire Richard Branson displays a strong sense of adventure and love of life in his business and orientation to life in general. In a recent interview with Deep Patel in Entrepreneur, he describes 8 keys to happiness and success – which strike me as a great perspective for engaging with life: in your work, relationships, and sense of purpose; of meaning, in your overall life.

Patel points out that, according to Branson, creating such a life is pretty simple: love others, be grateful for all you have, be kind and be mindful. Oh, and “Never say no, just keep going until you succeed.”

Branson’s keys to happiness and success?

1. Don’t measure your success by the amount of money you make.

Too often, people measure their success by how much money they make, but Branson assures us that if we’re having fun and focusing on making the world a better place, the money will come.

In an article posted on his LinkedIn page, Branson wrote: “It’s a common misconception that money is every entrepreneur’s metric for success. It’s not, and nor should it be. I’ve never gone into business to make money.”

No matter what you have achieved in life, you should always feel there is more to be done. Success is a moving target — it’s about striving to continue growing, but also appreciating what you have in the moment.

2. Unplug and focus on face-to-face conversation.

Like most of us, Branson loves technology, but he also sees its limits, especially when it comes between him and those he cares for. Nothing can replace a face-to-face conversation or being in the moment — and for that you have to be willing to put your devices aside, he says.

Branson tries hard to focus his attention on whoever he is with. He works at actively listening and taking notes during meetings, and he makes it a point to put aside his cell phone and keep his attention centered on family during dinner. He also encourages others to put their technology down when they’re in a social setting… at least for a little while. “We can all be more present in our own lives. I really believe that being in the moment is the key to happiness and success — and being constantly glued to your phone can have a big impact on your relationships,” Branson writes.

3. Have fun in everything you do.

If you aren’t having fun, you’re doing it wrong. In everything you do, you should find ways to enjoy and appreciate your life, says Branson. In other words, instead of working to live, you should live to work — because work is fun and enjoyable. Continue reading →

Are You Always Drawn to the Same “Type” of Partner?

By Douglas LaBier • July 29, 2019

Some years ago, one of my patients—a 50ish woman who’d been having an affair with a business associate—remarked to me that she was starting to feel tired and bored with him. “Why?” I asked. She replied, “I’m realizing that he’s very much like my husband. Same personality!”

No surprise, according to some new research. A large-scale, multi-year study found that you tend to seek out relationships with the same type of person—over and over again. And, even when you’re determined to seek someone different from your previous relationship—this time around. Sound familiar?

This study was conducted in a unique way, to reveal more accurate findings. Let’s take a look at what it found. Then, we’ll consider what may help if you’ve concluded that your previous partner wasn’t a good match—perhaps because of personality, attitudes, or personal “issues.”

The research was conducted by the University of Toronto, and found that people often do decide they want to find a different kind of person when a relationship ends. But the data showed a strong tendency to date a similar personality, nevertheless.

According to the lead author Yoobin Park, “there was a “significant consistency in the personalities of an individual’s romantic partners… (and) the effect is more than just a tendency to date someone similar to yourself.” Continue reading →

Ready To Commit? You’ll Have Better Relationship Success

By Douglas LaBier • July 15, 2019

If you’re not feeling so certain about committing to your relationship, then it’s best to not do it. If you ignore your inner voice and commit anyway, you’re much less likely to have long-term relationship success. That’s apparent from a new study that found commitment “readiness” is a good predictor of relationship success.

According to the Purdue University study’s lead author Chris Agnew, “Feeling ready leads to better relational outcomes and well-being,” It amplifies the effect of psychological commitment on relationship maintenance and stability, he added. Moreover, The reverse is also true: The study found that when a person feels less ready for commitment while in a relationship, they are less likely to act in ways to support that relationship.

The study was based on over 400 adults in committed relationships. It looked at their sense that the current time was right for the relationship, their satisfaction with the relationship, and their investments in it. The findings revealed a strong correlation between one’s current sense of readiness and one’s commitment level. Greater readiness predicted lower likelihood of leaving a relationship. Those feeling greater readiness to commit were 25% less likely to breakup over time.

The study is described in more detail here, and published in Social Psychology and Personality Science.

Credit: Pexels

Five Ways To Spike Your Love Relationship

By Douglas LaBier • June 26, 2019

I frequently receive inquiries and questions about articles I’ve written here about intimate relationships. For example, I’m asked for more information about why so many “techniques” to improve romance and sex tend to fail. About how to reverse the decline into a “dead zone” that many couples experience over time. How you can keep sex and romance alive in the midst of daily life challenges. Or how the rise of affairs, polyamory, and the “open marriage” might impact your own relationship.

One thing is certain from the concerns I hear: The nature of our emotional, sexual, and intimate relationships is evolving in our society. Increasingly, men and women – straight and gay – are becoming open to different forms and varieties of partnership. Those who want to keep a mutually committed relationship alive and growing look for ways to do that, successfully. They know that doing so is challenging in this changing era, especially so, as we change over time — emotionally, physically and in our vision of life.

Fads won’t do it. But here are five ways that can:

1. Open yourself to awareness that you can’t “change” your partner – ever. You can’t “make” him or her be different than they are; or who you want them to be. They may choose to change, or grow in a different direction, but for their own reasons. The only impact you have is to be accepting of who your partner is, to begin with; rather than showing disappointment, disapproval, or pressure to change. There must have been something positive that drew you to your partner to begin with. Who is that person today, in real-time? Acknowledging that, them you can decide if it generates continuing caring and love – including the reality of your partner’s “flaws” or “imperfections;” or if it doesn’t. If the latter, then you have to decide how you want to deal with that. Dong this is what I describe as “creative indifference.” Continue reading →

“Bottom Line” Mentality: Less Employee Respect And Loyalty

By Douglas LaBier • June 11, 2019

A new study finds that profit-driven managers actually undercut bottom line measures, by losing the respect of their employees, who counter by withholding performance. According to Matthew Quade, the lead researcher of the Baylor University study, “Supervisors who focus only on profits to the exclusion of caring about other important outcomes, such as employee well-being or environmental or ethical concerns, turn out to be detrimental to employees.”

Moreover, “This results in relationships that are marked by distrust, dissatisfaction and lack of affection for the supervisor. And ultimately, that leads to employees who are less likely to complete tasks at a high level and less likely to go above and beyond the call of duty.”

The research found that even if employees maintain a bottom line mentality themselves, they would prefer for their managers to focus on interpersonal aspects of the job that foster healthier social exchange relationships with their employees in addition to the bottom line. The researchers pointed out that “Supervisors undoubtedly face heavy scrutiny for the performance levels of their employees, and as such they may tend to emphasize the need for employees to pursue bottom-line outcomes at the exclusion of other competing priorities, such as ethical practices, personal development or building social connections in the workplace,” the researchers wrote. “However, in doing so they may have to suffer the consequence of reduced employee respect, loyalty and even liking.” Continue reading →

Want Greater Mental Health? Plunge Forward Into The Unknown!

By Douglas LaBier • May 31, 2019

“All growth is a leap in the dark, a spontaneous unpremeditated act without the benefit of experience. There are two paths to take; one back towards the comforts and security of death, the other forward, to “nowhere.” —Henry Miller

The general public has become more aware and open about recognizing mental health issues that can affect anyone. This increased awareness is aided, no doubt, by well-known celebrities from the entertainment, sports and music industries who’ve spoken about their own struggles, and the benefit they’ve experienced from psychotherapy. It feels liberating when you’re able to heal from trauma and dysfunction in your life. But that’s not the end of the story. Rather, that gives you the foundation to discover what mental health really is, and what promotes it as your life continues onward. That is, what lies “beyond healing?”

The answer may lie in a theme that’s visible when you look at the connection between the benefits of therapy and some perspectives usually excluded from traditional mental health thinking. The former is visible in what some people describe as they reflect on what they’re aiming for in their lives ahead, as they absorb the healing benefits of their therapy. As they turn their attention to “now, what?” they often encounter perspectives and teachings similar to those of many philosophical and spiritual traditions. Interestingly, the implications of that connection for mental health — beyond healing — are supported by recent empirical studies, as I describe below.

In essence, the theme is this: Mental health grows from creating and pursuing an ideal vision and path for yourself; one that you feel pulled towards as though by a magnet as you go forward in your life. That vision includes activating dormant dimensions of your personality; consciously growing and expanding them. It includes putting your energies in the service of something that reflects your interdependency and interconnection with the larger human community — not just your own “needs” or selfish desires. We all have those; it’s part of being human. But pursuing them too much is a dead end for mental health. Continue reading →

People Adapt To Social Diversity Over Time – Research Finds

By Douglas LaBier • May 14, 2019

A new joint study from Princeton University and Oxford has particular significance for today’s world and for political leadership here in the US. It finds that people can adapt to societal diversity and actually benefit from it. And, those in power especially set the tone for integrating people into a new society.

The researchers underscored that the policies of President Trump speak to those who feel threatened by what they perceive as a changing America. But those insecurities are unwarranted. With time, people can adapt to societal diversity and actually benefit from it. “If you give people who are different from you half a chance, they will integrate into society pretty well. It is when you purposefully push them out, or erect barriers against them, that problems are introduced,” said Douglas Massey, Henry G. Bryant Professor of Sociology and Public Affairs at Princeton’s Woodrow Wilson School of Public and International Affairs. “It’s important for our political leaders to set the right tone, so proper integration can occur.”

The research team examined 22 years of psychological, sociological, and demographic data from multiple waves of the World Values Survey, the European Social Survey, and the Latino Barometer Survey. Together the three datasets included more than 338,000 respondents interviewed in more than 100 countries. The investigators combined various measures of life satisfaction, happiness, and health to create a “quality of life index” for respondents to each survey. Then, they examined the association between this index and religious diversity. Unlike ethnicity and race, which aren’t always collected in surveys and are often measured using divergent categories, religion is well recorded using comparable categories. “Religion is a convenient way to look at the issue of social diversity,” Massey said.

The study, described more fully here, was published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences (PNAS).

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An Overlooked Way To Reduce Stress and Increase Wellbeing

By Douglas LaBier April 9, 2019

We’re constantly flooded with articles about how to reduce or control stress in our multi-tasking, demanding lives; how to achieve “balance” and wellbeing in daily life. Such articles and books typically list five or so steps to achieving it all. In truth, none of them work or are lasting. That’s why there’s a continuous market for them: people keep looking for the next one that promises the same thing, but better. More importantly, these “solutions” have to fail because they don’t deal with what generates so much stress and conflict to begin with, in work, relationships, and in our overall way of life in today’s culture. And therefore they can’t identify what does truly enable greater wellbeing and fulfillment.

That failing brings to mind something the 18th Century Zen poet Hakuin wrote: “Not knowing how near the truth is, we seek it far away.” That the truth may be right in front of our eyes and easily accessible is highlighted by evidence from two illuminating recent studies about stress and wellbeing. Though unrelated, they show what can relieve stress in a simple way. And they point to what could heal the deeper, pervasive unhappiness and dissatisfaction so many people experience in today’s culture.

A Nature Pill?

The first study found that just taking twenty minutes during the day to be in contact with nature significantly lowers your stress hormone levels. That’s all? Just sitting outside where you feel contact with nature, or taking a walk in a natural environment, has a demonstrable impact?

According to MaryCarol Hunter, the lead author of the study from the University of Michigan, “…for the greatest payoff, in terms of efficiently lowering levels of the stress hormone cortisol, you should spend 20 to 30 minutes sitting or walking in a place that provides you with a sense of nature.”

The study, published in Frontiers in Psychology, was able to conclude that a twenty-minute nature experience was enough to significantly reduce cortisol levels. And if you spent a little more time immersed in a nature experience, 20 to 30 minutes sitting or walking, cortisol levels dropped at their greatest rate. Continue reading →

Our Understanding of Mental Health Is Transforming

By Douglas LaBier March 26, 2019

Our understanding of mental health – what undermines and what promotes it – is transforming from increasing recognition that we are integrated bio-psycho-social-spiritual beings. All dimensions of ourselves—from pre-birth to how we engage the environment in which we live— shape our emotional and mental experiences; our entire psychology.

Among the most significant sources of influence, long overlooked by our mental health professions, is how the food we consume affects our mental health. Interestingly, new research is confirming the old adage, “you are what you eat,”

Three recent but unrelated studies join to show how true that is. For example, specific foods contribute to a range of emotional problems, including more serious mental illness. Also, some foods can ease symptoms of depression. And overall, certain kind of food is known to enhance overall well-being and mental health.

Your Food and Emotional Disturbance

First, take a look at the relationships between certain foods and psychological health. A study from Loma Linda University found that adults who consumed more unhealthy food were also more likely to report symptoms of either moderate or severe psychological distress than their peers who consumed a healthier diet.

The study was conducted with California residents, but the findings link with other studies, in other countries, that found Increased sugar consumption associated with bipolar disorder, for example. And, that consumption of foods that have been fried or contain high amounts of sugar and processed grains are linked with depression.

The Loma Linda study found that poor mental health is linked with poor diet quality — regardless of personal characteristics such as gender age, education, age, marital status, and income level. It found that nearly 17 percent of California adults are likely to suffer from mental illness — 13.2 percent with moderate psychological distress and 3.7 percent with severe psychological distress. The study was published in the International Journal of Food Sciences and Nutrition.

Some Foods Can Alleviate Depression

On the positive side, another study of 46,000 people has found that weight loss, nutrient-boosting and fat reduction diets can all reduce the symptoms of depression. That study, from the University of Manchester, combined data from clinical trials of diets for mental health conditions. It found evidence that dietary improvement significantly reduces symptoms of depression. Moreover, all types of dietary improvement appeared to have equal effects on mental health, with weight loss, fat reduction or nutrient-improving diets all having similar benefits for depressive symptoms. Continue reading →

Three-Quarters of Workers Are Stressed, New Survey Finds

By Douglas LaBier March 12, 2019

This new survey from CareerCast adds the latest to frequent surveys showing the stress, dissatisfaction and health impact of many workplaces and career environments. But in my view, such surveys tend to ignore the underlying source for so many people: psychologically unhealthy management & leadership; and the impact of our cultural definition of “success.”

The report, described by PR Newswire, follows below:

Stress is unavoidable, but a vast majority of Americans feel unduly stressed at work with 78% of respondents to a new CareerCast survey rating their job stress at seven or higher on a ten-point scale. That’s a jump from the 2017 CareerCast stress survey, which found 69% of responding readers scored their job stress seven or higher.

The most common stress factor cited in the CareerCast survey was meeting deadlines (38% of respondents), with growth potential and interacting with the public tied for a distant second stressor at 14% each.

The average American ages 25 to 54 spends 40.3 hours per week at work, per the Bureau of Labor Statistics. That’s approximately one-quarter of the entire week, a third of waking time for those who sleep an average of seven hours per night. Factor in travel to-and-from one’s place of employment, and the amount of time dedicated to employment increases further. All this is to say that work occupies so much of our life that if work’s stressful, life will be stressful.

To assist job seekers and career changers in finding a good fit profession, CareerCast has released its 2019 ranking of the least and most stressful jobs. Based on an evaluation of 11 stress factors, including deadlines, hazards, physical demands and public interaction, CareerCast ranks Enlisted Military, Firefighter and Airline Pilot as the top three most stressful jobs. The least stressful are Diagnostic Medical Sonographer, Compliance Officer and Hair Stylist.

“Stress in the workplace might prompt job seekers to consider a career change. We have identified jobs such as Medical Records Technician, Operations Research Analyst and Massage Therapist, which might be a good fit for those seeking a less stressful position,” says Kyle Kensing, Online Content Editor, CareerCast. “However, people who thrive on the pressures inherent to high-stress jobs and are willing to put themselves in immediate danger, might choose a stressful job like firefighter or police officer. While no job is stress-free, choosing a profession based on its stress level is purely a personal choice.”

For the complete report, click here.

What Is Gratitude? What Difference Does It Make to Feel It?

by Douglas LaBier February 25, 2019

Originally published on Psychology Today

No question, life in today’s world can feel overwhelming with responsibilities, stress, and problems to deal with. So much so, that you probably remind yourself to “stop and smell the roses,” sometimes. You might think you need that time-out…before plunging right back into the fray. Or, you might reflect more broadly on being more grateful for everything you have at this point in your life – despite all the problems and conflicts you’re dealing with. But what does feeling “grateful” truly mean? And does it matter, when you have to carry on with your life in the “real world?”

Well, I can tell you that the findings of some recent research mesh with people’s experiences during psychotherapy, and they reveal interesting answers to those questions. But they’re different from what you might think. In essence, gratitude is different from just pausing to appreciate or acknowledge what you have. Moreover, there’s a direct link between experiencing a deeper form of gratitude and increasing your physical and emotional well-being. That is, it increases the health of your entire being – psychologically, physically and spiritually. All are interwoven

First, let’s look at the experience of more complete gratitude that we easily ignore. It extends beyond just feeling appreciative about whatever’s going “right” in your life. It includes all that – everything you’ve acquired and felt secure about – whether your relationship, your financial situation, your material positions, your own and your loved ones’ health. Those make up the outer layer of gratitude. As enjoyable as they are to reflect on and embrace — especially if you’re fortunate to “have” them all — they’re all external “possessions” really. Ultimately ephemeral and transitory. Everything changes and dissolves with time. Nothing you now “have” will last, including your own life. Interestingly, a recent study from Baylor University and summarized in BioSpace, found that the more highly materialistic people are less happy are with their lives than those who are less focused on material wealth and possessions.

The Inner Core of Gratitude

Of course, you value and appreciate that outer ring of gratitude. But there’s an inner core, a deeper experience of gratitude, and it underlies greater health and wellbeing in life. That inner core is inner life awareness of your continuous, intimate connection with all of life, in all its forms; awareness of just being alive, in this moment of time. It’s often aroused in unexpected moments. For example, an unanticipated moment of awakening to your being part of a continuous whole, from the beginning of time. It might happen walking in nature, or in the middle of the city, out of the blue. It unleashes a perspective that propels you beyond your own life situation, conflicts or disappointments, no matter how debilitating they feel in the moment. It also expands your vision beyond the pleasures you appreciate within that outer ring of gratitude. In fact, that deeper awakening stimulates energy, hope, and resilience that can help guide you through the debilitating situations or fears you might be dealing with at this moment of life.

Poets and writers often capture the essence of such a deeper, more core experience of gratitude. For example, this passage by the poet Mary Oliver: “Ten times a day something happens to me like this – some strengthening throb of amazement – some good sweet empathic ping and swell. This is the first, the wildest and the wisest thing I know: that the soul exists and is built entirely out of attentiveness.”

Or the writer Peter Matthiessen: “To ‘rest in the present’ is a state of magical simplicity…out of the emptiness can come a true insight into our natural harmony all creation…that we take this moment for what it is, undistracted, and not cloud it with needless worries of what might have been or fantasies of what might come to be.”

Gratitude, Your Health, and Your Wellbeing

Several studies link gratitude with increased health and well-being. For example, a summary of some of them from the University of California at Davis, finds “The practice of gratitude can lower blood pressure, improve immune function and facilitate more efficient sleep. Gratitude reduces lifetime risk for depression, anxiety and substance abuse disorders, and is a key resiliency factor in the prevention of suicide.”

Moreover, the UC Davis report shows that grateful people engage in more exercise, have better dietary behaviors, are less likely to smoke and abuse alcohol, and have higher rates of medication adherence – factors that translate into a healthier and happier life. Gratitude is also associated with higher levels of good cholesterol (HDL), lower levels of bad cholesterol (LDL), and lower systolic and diastolic blood pressure, both at rest and in the face of stress. It also has been linked with a state of harmony in the nervous system and heart rate that is equated with less stress and mental clarity.

There’s more: Gratitude also lowers levels of creatinine, an indicator of the kidney’s ability to filter waste from the bloodstream, and lowers levels of C-reactive protein, a marker of cardiac inflammation and heart disease. As lead author Robert A. Emmons pointed out, “Gratitude blocks toxic emotions, such as envy, resentment, regret and depression, which can destroy our happiness,”

Other studies show similar findings linking gratitude with health and well-being. For example, research from the University of Montana and published in the Review of Communication found that gratitude is associated with psychological well-being and increased positive states such as life satisfaction, vitality, hope, and optimism. It also contributes to decreased levels of depression, anxiety, envy, and job-related stress and burnout. Moreover, people who experience and express gratitude have reported fewer symptoms of physical illness, more exercise, and better quality of sleep

Such findings are consistent with what people experience from healing and growth during psychotherapy. It can enhance that broader experience of gratitude, both the inner core and outer ring. That occurs as people develop beyond healing and coping with their personal or career conflicts, and towards embracing those sudden moments of clarity and awareness – of being one small part of all life, itself.

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Are Open Relationships as Healthy as Monogamous Ones? Yes!

By Douglas LaBier January 22, 2019

Accumulating research from several sources underscore that our society is evolving in many realms. A major example is the new generational transformation underway via the highly diverse “post-millennials.” Their shifts in attitudes and behavior will have significant impact upon our country, as the Pew Research Center has reported. Perhaps the most significant and pervasive change occurring in American society is the form of intimate relationships that men and women desire, seek and engage in, today.

That is, the features of a relationship that people find healthy and satisfying is broadening and diversifying. I’ve described some of those shifts here, writing about the increasing visibility of polyamory and “serial non-monogamy;” My explanation of why some affairs are psychologically healthy. And, the increasing acceptance of open relationships. This broad shift is visible across generations, and extends into the lives of aging baby boomers, even.

The open relationship in particular is moving into the mainstream. See, for example, the recent New York Times article highlighting it. The open relationship first became more visible some decades ago, when a book and a movie brought it into greater popular awareness. Of course, such arrangements had long existed; just not spoken about so openly. Most recently, an interesting new study examined the open relationship empirically, to determine its impact on participants’ emotions, sexuality and behavior.

In essence, the study found that partners in open relationships are as happy, satisfied, and experience well-being equally to those in monogamous relationships.

“We found people in consensual, non-monogamous relationships experience the same levels of relationship satisfaction, psychological well-being and sexual satisfaction as those in monogamous relationships,” said lead author Jessica Wood “This debunks societal views of monogamy as being the ideal relationship structure.”

For purposes of this study from the University of Guelph, an open relationship was defined as one that’s consensual and non-monogamous; in which all partners agree to engage in multiple sexual or romantic relationships, as they wish. The researchers pointed out that between three and seven per cent of people in North America are currently in a consensual, non-monogamous relationship. And that it’s more common than many people may think.

According to Wood, “We are at a point in social history where we are expecting a lot from our partners. We want to have sexual fulfillment and excitement but also emotional and financial support. Trying to fulfill all these needs can put pressure on relationships. To deal with this pressure, we are seeing some people look to consensually non-monogamous relationships.”

From my own work with men, women, and couples over the decades, I find that the old stigmas about open relationships – as well as the other forms of intimacy I cited above – are fading away. That fact is, people’s actual lives and relationship practices are ahead of the culture. The norms of the latter are visible in the researchers’ observation that open relationships are still “…perceived as immoral and less satisfying. It’s assumed that people in these types of relationships are having sex with everyone all the time. They are villainized and viewed as bad people in bad relationships, but that’s not the case.” That gap is visible when you look at the range of comments following the New York Times article, for example. Or, those following my article on healthy affairs.

Interestingly, the study found that people in non-monogamous relationships were just as satisfied with the relationship they had with their main partner as those in monogamous ones. Moreover, Wood added, “If you are fulfilling your psychological needs and are satisfied sexually, you are more likely to be happy in your partnership no matter the relationship structure.”

And that’s key: A relationship that’s fulfilling — emotionally, sexually and spiritually – having a sense of connection, and being on the same “wavelength,” is what most people seek. And that’s independent of the form it takes, conventional or otherwise.

The study was conducted with over 140 people in non-monogamous relationships and more than 200 in monogamous ones, and was published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.

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This article was originally published in Psychology Today

Feeling Grateful? It Increases Your Emotional and Physical Health

By Douglas LaBier December 18, 2018

More evidence of the interwoven nature of our mind, body, spirit and behavior: Accumulating research shows that gratitude — feeling it and practicing it — has a clear and sustaining positive impact on your overall well-being and engagement with the world.

In a summary of recent studies from the University of California at Davis, researcher Robert A. Emmons says “The practice of gratitude can lower blood pressure, improve immune function and facilitate more efficient sleep. Gratitude reduces lifetime risk for depression, anxiety and substance abuse disorders, and is a key resiliency factor in the prevention of suicide.”

Moreover, according to the UC Davis report, studies show that grateful people engage in more exercise, have better dietary behaviors, are less likely to smoke and abuse alcohol, and have higher rates of medication adherence – factors that translate into a healthier and happier life.

According to Emmons, gratitude works because it allows individuals to celebrate the present and be an active participant in their own lives. By valuing and appreciating friends, oneself, situations and circumstances, it focuses the mind on what an individual already has rather than something that’s absent and is needed,

Gratitude is associated with higher levels of good cholesterol (HDL), lower levels of bad cholesterol (LDL), and lower systolic and diastolic blood pressure, both at rest and in the face of stress. It also has been linked with higher levels of heart rate variability, a marker of cardiac coherence, or a state of harmony in the nervous system and heart rate that is equated with less stress and mental clarity.

Gratitude also lowers levels of creatinine, an indicator of the kidney’s ability to filter waste from the bloodstream, and lowers levels of C-reactive protein, a marker of cardiac inflammation and heart disease. “Gratitude blocks toxic emotions, such as envy, resentment, regret and depression, which can destroy our happiness,” Emmons said. “It’s impossible to feel envious and grateful at the same time.”

Emmons believes a successful gratitude practice starts with recognizing what you’re grateful for, acknowledging it and appreciating it. “Setting aside time on a daily basis to recall moments of gratitude associated with ordinary events, your personal attributes, or valued people in your life gives you the potential to interweave a sustainable life theme of gratefulness.”

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How Music Evokes Positive Emotions Through Memories

By Douglas LaBier December 4, 2018

We’ve all had experiences like this: Hearing a song or piece of music that stirs up a range of emotions. A new study shows how very strong, positive emotions can be triggered by music; and also by pictures. The study, from the University of Jyvaskyla in Finland, and summarized here, examined how memories are able to influence our emotional responses induced by music and images. The researchers enlisted volunteers who brought music The volunteers who participated in this study brought music and images to the experiment which evoked pleasure based on their own personal memories, as well as other pieces of music and pictures that operated similarly but the pleasure was not related to memories but just to the way the music sounds or the picture looks.

Researchers reported that he most fascinating insight that the study yielded concerned the contribution of memory, which led to strong emotional reactions in the case of music and pictures, including positive and negative emotions. These results were particularly strong for social and positive emotions such as tenderness and joy but the important boosting of the emotional experiences by personal memories was also apparent in the case of sad emotions for both music and pictures. Music typically did not really induce strong sad emotions, whereas pictures were able to trigger such negative emotional experiences.

For a summary of the study and how it was conducted, click here. It was published in the journal Nature.

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‘Post-Millennials’ Emerging As The Most Diverse, Best-Educated Generation

By Douglas LaBier November 20, 2018

Change is inevitable and relentless. But when it occurs in ways that disrupt your sense of “what’s always been,” it can be hard to embrace it and “evolve” with it. We see evidence of that in the political and social attitudes of some segments of our society.

Some new demographic data from the Pew Research Center shows another emerging shift emerging, today: They are the attitudes, behavior and lifestyle of the “post-millennials,” which will alter the fabric of the United States in many ways.

They include:

Nearly half of post-Millennials are racial or ethnic minorities.
More post-Millennials are pursuing college.
Post-Millennials are more likely than Millennials to live with a college-educated parent.

The report states that this emerging generation is already the most racially and ethnically diverse,, as a bare majority of 6- to 21-year-olds (52%) are non-Hispanic whites. And while most are still pursuing their K-12 education, the oldest post-Millennials are enrolling in college at a significantly higher rate than Millennials were at a comparable age. Moreover, the parents of post-Millennials are more well educated than the parents of Millennials and those of previous generations, and this pattern most likely contributes to the relative affluence of the households in which post-Millennials live.

Other key findings:

The oldest post-Millennials are less likely than their predecessors to be in the labor force. Only 58% of today’s 18- to 21-year-olds worked in the prior calendar year; this compares with 72% of Millennial 18- to 21-year-olds in 2002. And employment among post-Millennials is less likely to be full-time compared with earlier generations.
The living arrangements of post-Millennial children are similar to those of Millennials when they were growing up. About two-thirds (65%) of today’s 6- to 17-year-olds live with two married parents, slightly lower than the share (68%) of Millennials in that age range who lived in this type of household in 2002.
The median household income of post-Millennials exceeds that of earlier generations when they were young. The typical post-Millennial in 2018 lives in a household with an annual income of roughly $63,700 after adjusting for household size. That is slightly higher than the income for the typical household in which Millennials grew up.

For the full report, click here.

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Do Happy Older People Live Longer? Research Says Yes

November 6, 2018

Here’s some good news: A new study has found that an increase in happiness is directly related to a longer life. Needless to say, the challenge for individuals and societies is to determine what happiness and wellbeing consist of in today’s world — and and then promoting it through public policies.

But let’s take a look at the research: The study was based on 4,478 participants of a nationally-representative survey that examined the association between happiness and the subsequent likelihood of dying due to any cause, between 2009 and 2015. The survey was focused on individuals 60 years and older living in Singapore. The research, conducted by Duke-NUS Medical School was published in the journal Age and Ageing,

As described in this summary, the researchers found that among happy older people, 15% died prior to the end of 2015. But it was 20% among unhappy older people. Every increase of one point on the happiness score lowered the chance of dying due to any cause among participants by an additional nine percent. The likelihood of dying due to any cause was 19 percent lower for happy older people. The inverse association of happiness with mortality was consistently present among men and women, and among the young-old (aged 60-79 years) and the old-old (aged 75 years or older).

“The findings indicate that even small increments in happiness may be beneficial to older people’s longevity,” explained senior author Rahul Malhotra. “Therefore individual-level activities as well as government policies and programs that maintain or improve happiness or psychological well-being may contribute to a longer life among older people.”

June May-Ling Lee, a co-author, added that the consistency of the data about the association of happiness with mortality across age groups and gender shows that all men and women – the young-old and the old-old, — all are likely to benefit from an increase in happiness.

Previous studies have linked happiness or positive emotions with a range of better health outcomes, but the evidence on the effect of happiness on living longer has been inconclusive. Many previous studies have found happiness to be associated with a lower likelihood of dying, but this link disappears once differences in demographic, lifestyle and health factors between those less and more happy are accounted for. This study, however, assessed the association between happiness and mortality among older people, while accounting for several social factors, such as loneliness and social network.

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Believe In Your Superior Knowledge? You Know Less Than You Think!

October 23, 2018

A new study finds that people who are convinced of their superior knowledge about some subject – political issues, economic matters, societal trends, for example – actually have less real knowledge than they think: There’s a gap between their perceived and actual knowledge.

The research, from the University of Michigan and described in this summary, looked at how well those people were informed on the topics about which they held superiority beliefs. Across five studies the researchers found that those people with the highest belief superiority also tended to have the largest gap between their perceived and actual knowledge. They maintained the illusion that they were better informed than they were. In fact, those with the lowest belief superiority tended to underestimate how much they knew.

Or, as the researchers put it in more academic language, “Belief superiority is unassociated with true knowledge of many political issues.”

The researchers also looked at whether people with belief superiority sought out new information relevant to that belief. They found that those with higher belief-superiority were more likely to select information congruent with their belief. That is, despite being badly informed compared to their self-perception, they chose to neglect sources of information that would enhance their knowledge.

One encouraging finding: If they were told that people with beliefs like theirs tended to score poorly on topic knowledge, or if they were directly told that their score on the topic knowledge quiz was low, this tended to reduce their belief superiority, That’s hopeful!

The study was published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology.

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Will Hardships In Life Increase Your Wisdom?

October 9, 2018

Some people think that wisdom increases with age. Yet we see many examples of people who become more bitter, cynical and unpleasant as they age – hardly the hallmarks of wisdom. We tend to think of the latter as reflecting a broader, more understanding and tolerant perspective about life’s ups and downs; especially if rooted in difficult life experiences. But I can say that clinically speaking, the growth of “wisdom” is more complex than that: There’s not a straight iine path from adversity to a wise outlook and behavior. It depends greatly on how you experienced the hardship or traumatic life event; what resources you had available to you for help – internal capacities or external, social support; what you learned from it, and whether that learning energized a new outlook. For some people, wisdom emerges, depending on that combination of resources and how they responded to them. For others, the outcome might be no change whatsoever.

New research has looked at this link between hardships in life and wisdom, and it found empirical evidence for what I described above. It confirms what we see in people’s lives from a mental health perspective. The study, described here, was led by Carolyn Aldwin at Oregon State University, The findings indicate that it’s not just about surviving hard times, but how we deal with difficulties and what we’re able to learn from the experiences.

The researchers interviewed 50 people — 14 men and 36 women — aged 56–91 and asked them to describe the most difficult event that they had experienced in their lives, how they overcame it, and whether or not the event became a turning point that affected their perspective and actions. Thirty-two of the respondents viewed difficult life events as a landmark in their journey through life. For these people, hardships were trials that disrupted “their sense of competence, feelings of safety and predictability, and understandings of their world,” heavily rewriting their personal identity. “For these folks,” explains Aldwin, “the event really rocked their boat and challenged how they saw life and themselves.”
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Midlife and Stressed From Work? It Will Damage Your Mental Health

September 25, 2018

This isn’t a surprise, but new research published in The Lancet Psychiatry and described here found that if you’re in midlife and feel stressed, overworked and powerless, you’re at higher risk for developing mental health problems than others who don’t share that experience in their work.

According to Sabir Giga, author of an accompanying editorial in The Lancet report, “For individual workers, it’s important to recognize that persistent and long-term stress could lead to physical and mental health conditions. Demanding jobs may be unavoidable, but we can make changes in our lives that allow more control and flexibility in how much we work and the way we do it.”

That’s the challenge, of course, and it’s rooted in the management culture and practices of organizational leadership. And that’s where I find most organizations fail to identify what is required by leadership to support. worker wellbeing and positive commitment.

This study is based on nearly 7000 workers in the UK, but I think its core findings are similar to those found among US workers as well. The workers in this study, averaging around 45 years of age, had never been diagnosed with depression, anxiety or other disorders. Overall, about one-third reported having little control over what they did at work, and slightly more than one-fourth described their jobs as very demanding and stressful. By age 50, workers who reported high levels of job strain five years earlier were more than twice as likely to be diagnosed with mental health disorders as the people who had low-stress jobs. With demanding jobs, workers were 70 percent more likely to develop a mental illness by age 50, the study also found. And people who reported having little control over their work were 89 percent more likely to be diagnosed with psychological disorders.
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In And Out Of Your Relationship? Harmful To Your Mental Health!

September 4, 2018

Do you have a pattern of breaking-up-and-making up with your partner? If so, you’re not alone: Research finds that 60 percent of adults have experienced on-and-off relationships. No surprise: that’s a frequent storyline of movie and TV relationships.

But have you ever thought about how that pattern affects your mental health? Or, what it may reflect about yourself and the kinds of relationships–or partners–you seek?

If so, what might you need to know about building a sustaining, positive relationship; one that supports mental health and well-being for yourself and your partner?

New research from the University of Missouri sheds some light on these questions. It finds that the back-and-forth relationship pattern has a negative impact on mental health. Specifically, the data from over 500 people in current relationships found such a pattern was associated with increased anxiety and depression. Moreover, the researchers found that the breaking up-and-reuniting pattern was associated with higher rates of abuse, lower levels of communication, and poorer communication.

Kale Monk, the lead author of the study, published in Family Relations and described here, pointed out–correctly–that people who recognize themselves in this pattern need to “look under the hood of their relationship” to figure out what they are doing in their relationships. Doing so, however, can be difficult, even frightening, as most people who seek therapy for themselves or as a couple can attest. And then, what you can actually do to break the pattern and create a lasting relationship is another major challenge.

The authors of the study offer some good advice, per se, such as examining the why’s and how’s that led to breaking up; and that you should focus on the positives in the relationship, in order to reconcile permanently. Of course, that assumes that the relationship hasn’t become toxic and inherently unhealthy.

The problem is that following the author’s advice is easier said than done. But there are some ways to engage with a partner with self-awareness and openness that can strengthen the likelihood of a sustainable, positive connection.

For example:

Review and learn from what you’ve done in previous relationships. What draws you to partners? What led to the breakup–or reconnection? What have you’ve learned, or haven’t? I call this doing a “relationship inventory.”

Practice “forgetting yourself” in the relationship. That means becoming aware that your relationship is a third entity that needs to be served and serviced in its own right. That’s a different perspective and way of relating from serving just your own needs and desires, especially when that triggers domination or submission from either of you.

Learn to be transparent with each other. Showing your own –and being receptive to your partner’s–desires, fears, hopes, vulnerabilities. If you commit to doing that, you’re planting the seeds for growing intimacy and a sustaining relationship–one that becomes stronger over time rather than a revolving door.

A version of this article was also published in Psychology Today

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Self-Defeating Humor Promotes Well-Being

August 21, 2018

This new study provides empirical evidence for what I’ve always observed in psychotherapy: that the most significant indicator of a good prognosis — a positive, healthy resolution of conflicts — is the person’s capacity to laugh at themselves. The perspective that allows one to see his or her emotional issues from the “outside,” and laugh at one’s foibles, distorted relationships, and personality traits, indicates greater likelihood of healthier psychological growth and development.

The new study, from the University of Grenada, reports that that individuals who frequently use self-defeating humor—aimed at gaining the approval of others through self-mockery—exhibit greater levels of psychological well-being.

The findings contradict some previous research which suggested that self-defeating humour is exclusively associated with negative psychological effects among individuals who regularly employ this style of humor.

According to Jorge Torres Marín, one of the researchers, “In particular, we have observed that a greater tendency to employ self-defeating humor is indicative of high scores in psychological well-being dimensions such as happiness and, to a lesser extent, sociability.”

The researchers indicated that some styles of humor are adaptive – such as humor aimed at strengthening social relationships. Another type, self-enhancing humor, entails maintaining a humorous outlook in potentially stressful and adverse situations. And these types of humor have consistently been linked to indicators of positive psychological well-being such as happiness, satisfaction with life, hope, etc. but also to more negative states such as depression and anxiety. For the full report, click here.

The research was published in the journal Personality and Individual Differences.

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What Raises—or Lowers—Your Sexual Attraction To Someone?

August 7, 2018

You might think that you know when you feel romantic interest in a new person. It might be a powerful rush, or less so, but certainly strong enough to make you want to get to know the prospective partner, and see if it becomes a good romantic match or not. Moreover, you might find that your romantic interest increases if you receive mixed signals about whether he or she is equally interested in you; that the uncertainty is a turn-on. After all, many think that playing “hard to get” heightens romantic interest and pursuit.

But some interesting new research suggests that it doesn’t work that way.

An interrelated series of six studies found that when you feel uncertain about a potential partner’s sexual interest in you, then that partner actually becomes less sexually appealing to you. The research, conducted by Israeli’s Herzliya Center and the University of Rochester, described here, found that it’s when you believe a prospective partner is reciprocating interest in you that you find that partner more sexually attractive than you would if you aren’t as certain about his or her interest in you.

That is, the research shows that if you feel uncertain if a prospective partner is romantically interested in you, that partner becomes less sexually attractive to you; not more. Why might that happen? According to co-author Harry Reis,“People may protect themselves from the possibility of a painful rejection by distancing themselves from potentially rejecting partners,” That could lead to feeling less romantic interest in the person, despite what you might have felt initially. That shift of emotions protects you from anticipated pain. Continue reading →

Why We Need To Talk About Burnout In The Tech Industry

July 24, 2018

This article by Laurence Bradford in Forbes quotes my views about the importance of supporting the mental health of employees: “Business psychologist and psychotherapist Douglas LaBier, Ph.D., has dedicated decades to studying the connection between people’s work and their mental/emotional health, and working personally with those affected. ‘Why is it important for companies to care about employees’ mental health?’ asks LaBier. ‘That’s like growing a vegetable garden and then asking why it’s important to provide water and adequate sunlight. A company has the objective of a productive, profitable and sustainable business, and the mental health of employees is central to that.'”

Bradford writes,

Everyone has stressful days at work. But for some employees, it’s not just once in a while when Monday rolls around; instead, stress is their daily reality. Over time, this can lead to full-on employee burnout. Burnout is especially common in the fast-paced, competitive environment of the tech industry. But how common is it, what are the consequences, why should we care and what can employers do to de-stress their workforce?

For the complete article, click here.

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The Guilt-Inducing Psychology of Unlimited Vacation Time

July 10, 2018

An article in New York Magazine‘s The Cut by Katie Heaney looks at the impact of an unlimited vacation policy may have on workers and organizations. She worked in several quotes from me about the impact this may have upon some people, prone to guilt…or distrust!

She writes,

It feels like a gift: Unlimited vacation time. It sounds so … European. Many companies (particularly in the start-up and tech spheres) are starting to offer it to their employees in lieu of the more traditional model, in which a fixed number of vacation days are either given outright or accrued. More recently popularized by Richard Branson, the unlimited-vacation model is predicated on the idea that happy, rested employees make for successful companies, and that most people, if given the option, won’t abuse such a policy. This much, it seems, is true. In fact, early research shows that employees with so-called unlimited vacation actually take fewer days off on average than their limited vacation counterparts: 13 days as opposed to 15. For many employees, unlimited vacation simply feels too good to be true.

Douglas LaBier, a business psychologist and director of the Center for Progressive Development, a nonprofit consulting organization, says part of the challenge here has to do with the gap between what companies claim to want to be versus the values espoused by their actions. “As there’s a push to try to make a work culture a more supportive, team-oriented kind of culture that promotes and rewards innovation and creativity, that can clash with old top-down command and control policies,” says LaBier. “So if a culture has been more traditional, and then it says they’re going to try unlimited vacation, that can create some backlash.” It’s not that employees are ungrateful for policies like these — it’s that they’re not used to them, and unfamiliar developments in familiar settings are … scary. (And, okay fine, some employees are mad about it; see this very active Reddit thread on the subject.)

For the full article, click here.

Credit: The Cut

Are Millennial Men Rejecting “Manhood”?

June 26, 2018

In this era of #MeToo, and controversy about “toxic masculinity,” some new research is very relevant: It indicates a shift is underway in how young men envision “manhood” — in their attitudes, their values, and their behavior — in their relationships, their careers, and their view of “success.” I think we’re in the midst of a generational evolution with large-scale societal and political implications.

To illustrate, one study of over 600 millennial-aged men found that they are likely to be selfless, in contrast to the old “looking out for number one” attitude. They are also socially engaged with issues and causes and are highly health-conscious.

Overall, this study from the University of British of Columbia found that the masculine value they most strongly endorsed was selflessness. As described in this report, “Ninety-one per cent of the men agreed that a man should help other people, and 80 percent believed that a man should give back to the community. Openness also ranked highly — 88 per cent said a man should be open to new ideas, new experiences, and new people — and so did health, with a majority of participants saying that men should be healthy or in good shape.”

Moreover, the traditionally “male” values ranked lower on the scale. They are still valued by the majority of participants, but less so than other values. For example, 75 per cent of the men said that a man should have physical strength, compared with 87 per cent who said a man should have intellectual strength, and 83 per cent who said emotional strength. Autonomy was also ranked lower, with 78 per cent saying that a man should be “independent.”

I think these findings are significant as generational shifts continue. Although the study was conducted with men from Western Canada, they likely reflect a broad, growing theme among the attitudes and values among younger people who enter adulthood in an increasingly diverse, interconnected world. As lead author John Oliffe said, they “…seem to be holding masculine values that are distinctly different from those of previous generations. These values may run counter to long-standing claims that young men are typically hedonistic, hypercompetitive, and that they risk or neglect their health.” Added co-author Nick Black, they “…are expanding their definition of masculinity to include values like openness and well-being. The study was published in Psychology of Men & Masculinity.

We’re also witnessing the impact of millennial values — among both men and women — upon the workplace, in how they deal with their work and careers. For example, a new study finds that millennials are prone to leave their jobs when they experience a “values gap” between themselves and the workplace culture – particularly around sustainability issues.

That’s especially notable because it contrasts with older generations. That is, many people report great dissatisfaction and dislike with their management and leadership culture, as many surveys and polls show. But most tend to suffer emotionally and physically; often frozen in place, perhaps from fear of losing what they already have, or insecurity about change.

Millennials appear to have a different mentality altogether. A summary of this new study from the University of Missouri reports that millennials tend to job hop – something well known about them, and that older workers don’t understand. And a major reason is that they feel a disconnection between their personal values and the workplace culture. As one of the researchers, Rachel LoMonaco-Benzing explained, “Not only did we find a gap, but we also found that workers were much more likely to leave a job if they felt their values were not reflected in the workplace.”

Co-author Jung Ha-Brookshire added “They have been raised with a sense of pro-social, pro-environment values, and they are looking to be engaged. If they find that a company doesn’t honor these values and contributions, many either will try to change the culture or find employment elsewhere.” The researchers say that companies need to understand that the new generation of workers have high ethical and social expectations. The study was published in the journal Sustainability.

All of these changes in values, attitudes and behavior among millennials are likely to have increasing impact on all realms of our society in the years ahead. Stay tuned!

Credit: Pexels

A version of the article previously appeared in Psychology Today

Will Your Relationship Have A Short Shelf-Life? How To Tell

June 5, 2018

Whether you’re hoping to heal conflict in your relationship; or if things are going well and you want to sustain your good connection on into the future, you know that doing either is complicated. To establish and sustain a romantic and sexual relationship is a challenge in many ways: Understanding each other on a deep, intimate level; fostering honest communication; growing your intimacy. All are difficult, especially in today’s world of multiple demands, everyday stress and responsibilities. Paradoxically, the most unlikely looking relationships often prove to be the most sustaining. And those that appear made in heaven often dissolve, to the consternation of friends and family. Why is this?

What can help you clear these muddy waters is learning what knowledge we have about relationships that succeed or fail; that result in a short shelf-life or continued growth. Some of the most useful information reflects academic, empirical research that validates what we know and observe clinically, from people’s real life, everyday situations and experiences. That is, when academic research data and clinical findings go hand-in-hand.

The problem is that they often don’t. And that creates confusion and misleading information. Recently I came across two different studies that illustrate the downside of that kind of academic research. It usually consists of pre-and post-tests of questions about situations that the researchers think mimic “real life.” And then, flawed or naïve conclusions are drawn from the results.

To explain, let’s look at two recent studies. Their conclusions don’t help clarify when a relationship might be in danger, or might last. But that very failure points to what you need to know that can be helpful. One study of 151 heterosexual men and women, concluded that those who are most attracted to “bling” – material wealth, flashy possessions, and the like – will prefer short-term relationships. Continue reading →

Millennial Men Value Altruism And Self-Care Above Traditional Male Qualities

May 22, 2018

Here’s some encouraging news: A new study of 630 millennial-aged men finds that contrary to popular stereotypes, young men today are likely to be selfless, socially engaged and health-conscious. The research found that the most strongly endorsed masculine value is selflessness. According to the research, from the University of British Columbia, “Ninety-one per cent of the men agreed that a man should help other people, and 80 per cent believed that a man should give back to the community. Openness also ranked highly—88 per cent said a man should be open to new ideas, new experiences, and new people—and so did health, with a majority of participants saying that men should be healthy or in good shape.”

Although the study was conducted with men in Western Canada, I think it reflects a broad, growing theme among attitudes and values among younger generations in today’s increasingly diverse, connected world

As described in this report, more traditionally “male” values ranked lower on the scale, but were still valued by the majority of participants. Seventy-five per cent of the men said that a man should have physical strength, compared with those who said a man should have intellectual strength (87 per cent) or emotional strength (83 per cent). Autonomy also tracked lower with 78 per cent of the men agreeing that a man should be “independent.”

“Young Canadian men seem to be holding masculine values that are distinctly different from those of previous generations. These values may run counter to long-standing claims that young men are typically hedonistic, hypercompetitive, and that they risk or neglect their health,” said lead author John Oliffe. Nick Black, a co-author, believes many young Canadian men are expanding their definition of masculinity to include values like openness and well-being.

“As a millennial myself, I can see these values reflected in the lives of men around me,” said Black. “They want to be both caring and strong, both open to others and self-sufficient, and they see no contradiction in these values.”

The study was published in Psychology of Men & Masculinity.

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Meditation Will Sharpen Your Mental Abilities, Research Confirms

May 8, 2018

The breathing practices of Yoga and Buddhism have been known to increase your mental focus, but this new research from Trinity College Dublin has demonstrated the neurophysiological link that exists between breathing and attention. As described in this report, the research found that breathing – a key element of meditation and mindfulness practices – directly affects the levels of a natural chemical messenger in the brain called noradrenaline. This chemical messenger is released when we are challenged, curious, exercised, focused or emotionally aroused. That is, your breathing directly affects the chemistry of your brain in a way that can enhance your attention and improve your brain health.

The researchers pointed out that breath-focused meditation and yogic breathing practices have numerous known cognitive benefits, including increased ability to focus, decreased mind wandering, improved arousal levels, more positive emotions, decreased emotional reactivity, along with many others. To date, however, no direct neurophysiological link between respiration and cognition has been suggested. But, as lead researcher Ian Robertson explained, “Our research finds that there is evidence to support the view that there is a strong connection between breath-centered practices and a steadiness of mind.”

And, “Yogis and Buddhist practitioners have long considered the breath an especially suitable object for meditation (and this research finds that) by observing the breath, and regulating it in precise ways…changes in arousal, attention, and emotional control that can be of great benefit to the meditator are realized.

The research was published in the journal Psychophysiology, and described in full here.

Credit: WikiHow

Will Your Relationship Last? Not If It’s Really Lust!

April 24, 2018

A typical example: Two people meet, and just know it’s “love at first sight.” Passion reigns; they become attached and believe they’ve found their soul mate. Then what happens? In many cases, you hear that after several months or so, they’ve separated. Or they sink into a depressing reality that they might not really have an enduring relationship, after all. Why does that experience of sudden connection – a feeling of intense, genuine love — often fade fairly quickly? It’s intoxicating, but as a new study shows, it’s actually just lust, not love.

And that experience reflects a broader theme about flaws in how we think about and seek intimate relationships in our culture. At the same time, there is evidence about what does support long-term sexual-romantic partnerships.

First, the research about lust. Published in Personal Relationships, it looked at the experience of love at first sight reported by 360 participants. It found that the belief that one has fallen instantly in love is a genuine experience, but it’s not really about love; it’s more of a strong physical attraction.

The study, described here found that among those who describe a strong, positive relationship in the present, their recall of the past – that love at first sight experience – is likely “…a confabulated memory…a projection of their current feelings into the past,” according to researcher Florian Zsok That is, “our findings suggest that love at first sight reported at actual first sight resembles neither passionate love nor love more generally.” It’s more likely “…a strong initial attraction that some label as ‘love at first sight’ – either retrospectively or in the moment of first sight.”

Most people want sustaining romantic and sexual relationships, but our culture has fostered a view of love that’s essentially a version of adolescent romance. I’ve written about that here, and why it often fuels endless struggles for dominance, manipulation and control – along with a sense of being “in love.” Passion may reflect little knowledge about the real person you’ve fallen in love with, and more about your own enthrallment with your heady experience of feeling “in love.”

So what does keep love alive and thriving among successful couples? How do those couples relate to each other, day to day? How do they deal with fluctuations of sexual interest over time? Continue reading →

Worry Your Partner Will Dump You? Then It May Be More Likely

March 28, 2018

Bob, in his early 40s, has been with his partner, Jane, about two years. That’s the longest of his past relationships, following a brief marriage in his early twenties. He says he’s pretty sure he loves Jane, but that he always feels he needs to keep a foot out the door. Sometimes, that’s because he questions if she’s the “right one” for him, after all. But mostly, he thinks Jane might decide to leave him. When asked why, he says that she makes critical comments and judgments about him, and he recoils, rather than engage her about what she’s seeing or responding to. That’s when he starts thinking that she’s giving him a prelude to dumping him.

Aside from the question of whether Bob and Jane are truly “right” for each other for a sustaining, loving relationship, Bob’s constant questioning about leaving or being left does appear to illustrate “insecure attachment,” one of the forms of relationship connection that originate in early development. And that is something he would be wise to work on in psychotherapy.

But regardless of whether Bob’s relationship uncertainty is rooted in insecure attachment or other experiences, here’s the irony: His very fear of its ending, in itself, makes that outcome more likely. We see that play out clinically, in many couples’ lives: One or the other partner — or both — think he or she will leave or be left. And that, in fact, is more likely to happen, unless they deal with what each of them is doing in the relationship that could be improved. Now, some empirical research has demonstrated that ironic outcome. The research was conducted in Italy with 104 couples who were in a romantic relationship, and described in this summary . Although I think the study is flawed, as I explain below, it’s useful in showing that the expectations you bring into a relationship, from personal experience or outside information, influence how you behave towards your partner – for better or for worse. Moreover, the study highlights the need for more focus on what builds and supports long-term, sustaining vitality in intimate relationships. Continue reading →

The Dark Warning Of An Early Spring

March 14, 2018

A recent New York Times article by Margaret Renkl highlights what our society and civilization are dealing with, today – while Trump and his sycophants serve their self-interest and greed.

She writes:

During a brutal winter a warm spell feels like a gift. It isn’t.

Winter was brutal this year, highs in the teens day after day after day, torrential rains whenever the mercury rose into a more normal range for Middle Tennessee. A polar vortex prompted the president of the United States, who apparently does not know the difference between climate and weather, to tweet, “Perhaps we could use a little bit of that good old Global Warming that our Country, but not other countries, was going to pay TRILLIONS OF DOLLARS to protect against. Bundle up!”

The symptoms of climate change are well known, and its risks to some of our favorite creatures — tigers, sea turtles, elephants, giant pandas, mountain gorillas, monarch butterflies — are equally clear, though it’s easy to forget that in the comings and goings of our own daily lives. In December a National Geographic video of a starving polar bear went viral as people faced at a gut level the undeniable consequences of a phenomenon that can sometimes seem mainly theoretical.

A storm system that moved through the country last week temporarily brought colder temperatures to Nashville and a blizzard across the Northeast, but that won’t change anything. There will be consequences to this absurdly early spring.

For the full article, click here.

Why Bother Staying Married?

February 27, 2018

Life has changed a great deal since we entered the 21st Century. Massive, worldwide economic, political and social upheavals are impacting all areas of our lives. Marriages (and equivalent relationships) are no exception. In fact, long-term relationships face new stresses and challenges. People enter them within a world of shifting social norms, diversity, and increasing openness about emotional and sexual engagements, including ones that differ from the conventional.

These new realities raise a important question for couples to face, head-on: Do you want to stay married at this point in your life — in your relationship as it now exists, and at this time in our culture?

Consider this: It may be psychologically healthier to end your marriage. That is, I think that the conditions and challenges of the 21st world – the “new normal” – point to considering a more radical way of life: Engaging in two different kinds of marriages may be a better response to the emotional and sexual realities of our fluid, interconnected world.

On the other hand, you might decide to reconstitute you marriage in ways more in synch with how each of you are “evolving” in your individual lives; and more consistent with your vision of what you want a partnership to be as you become older.

Let me explain both paths. Increasingly, people recognize that our post- 9-11 world — the economic downturn, global crises and uncertainties, the impact of climate change, the increasing diversity of our population, global interconnection, and a host of other shifts – all of it forms a new era of uncertainty, unpredictability and diminished expectations of career and material success. Continue reading →

Why Apologies From High-Profile People Sound Insincere

February 13, 2018

Nearly every day we see examples of this: A high-profile person violates an accepted standard of conduct, or crosses the line into clear illegality. Then, when exposed or caught, he or she quickly and profusely apologizes. Most visible are the politicians, entertainers, corporate executives or others in the public eye. They’re quick to express “deep regret” or remorse for their misconduct. And they commit to becoming “better people,” ask forgiveness from whomever, and so on.

In most cases, no one really believes them. But is it just that many appear to be hypocrites with respect to the public image they’ve cultivated or the political stands they’ve taken? Certainly, that’s part of the reason. But some new research provides additional understanding why some people who apologize for transgressions often appear insincere in their expressions of remorse. And the findings mesh with what you probably sensed all along.

This international study from Israel, the US, and the Netherlands found that the greater the social status of the person who apologizes, the less sincere and authentic they will be perceived as being. According to one of the authors, Arik Cheshin, and described in this summary “The high-status person is perceived as someone who can control their emotions more effectively and use them strategically, and accordingly they are perceived as less sincere. The more senior they are, the less authentic their emotions are perceived as being.”

The study, published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology, consisted of a series of experiments with hundreds of participants, and is described in detail here. The upshot was that participants in the study were told about individuals who committed a transgression, and then apologized. Some were identified as CEOs, and others, as lower-level employees. The findings were that the emotions of those who were shown the CEOs were perceived as less sincere than the lower level employees.

The data of the study indicated a perception of the more powerful, higher-status person as someone is able to use emotions in strategic, self-serving ways. According to Cheshin “The assumption is that the CEO has much more to lose, and accordingly has a stronger motivation to try to use their emotions to create empathy. Accordingly, the participants described them as less sincere.” Continue reading →

Diversity Boosts Innovation, New Research Finds

January16, 2018

Companies are taking note: The more diverse our work force — one that encompasses the wide variety of backgrounds, gender, race and ethnicity, sexual orientation — has a demonstrable effect on innovation and creativity in organizations. This is confirmed by findings from a new study from North Carolina State University.

As described in this summary, the research found that taking steps to foster diversity makes a company more innovative, in terms of product innovations, patents created and citations on patents — which means that the relevant innovations are also used to develop new technologies.

According to co-author Richard Warr, “We wanted to know whether companies with policies encouraging the promotion and retention of a diverse workforce — in terms of gender, race and sexual orientation — also perform better at developing innovative products and services. The short answer is that they do.”

He added, “To be clear, we found that there is a causative link — it’s not just a correlation, and the finding extends across a broad range of industry sectors.”

The method of the study, described here and published in the journal Financial Management, was co-authored by Roger Mayer of NC State and Jing Zhao of Portland State University. “Basically, once you get through all the statistical jargon, we found that a company that checks all of the diversity boxes would see about two new additional product announcements over 10 years,” Warr said. “Given that most firms produce an average of two new product announcement per year, that’s significant. On the other hand, it shows that improving diversity policies won’t lead to overnight improvements in innovation. It may take time to reap the benefits.

The upshot of the study was that a business which relies on innovation will benefit significantly from supporting diversity within its organization. “It’s really that simple,” Warr concluded.

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Why Entitled People Disregard Rules That Others Follow

January 2, 2018

Now this is interesting – especially in today’s culture: A new study has found that some people, who see themselves as special or entitled in some way that others are not, disregard ordinary instructions or the usual “order” of things that most others do follow. And the research found that the underlying reason reflects their narcissistic outlook about how the world should work for them.

In essence, this study from Cornell and the Harvard Medical School found that found people with a greater sense of entitlement are less likely to follow instructions than less entitled people are, because they view the instructions as an “unfair” imposition on them.

If that sounds familiar regarding recent political events and the underlying sense of entitlement driving them, that’s not surprising. It might remind you of Senator McCain’s speech in the Senate imploring his colleagues to follow “usual order.” But they did not. And neither did he, ultimately. They all joined to act upon their own definition of “fairness.”

To study this, researchers Emily Zitek and Alexander Jordan pointed out in this summary that previous studies found that entitled people – technically, individuals with a higher sense of entitlement – are more likely to believe they deserve preferences and resources that others don’t. And, that they are less concerned about what is socially acceptable or beneficial.

The aim of new study was to explore the underlying reasons for that. Zitek and Jordan first identified those who were more likely to avoid following instructions in a word search. After establishing that people who scored high on measures of “entitled personality” were less likely to follow instructions, they provided a set of scenarios to try to understand why the entitled individuals ignore the instructions: selfishness, control, or punishment. But none of those affected the outcomes: Entitled people still wouldn’t follow instructions.

It surprised the researchers that it was so hard to get entitled individuals to follow instructions. To me, that’s no surprise: We know — whether from psychotherapy or general psychological observation – that people who demonstrate the kind of narcissistic personality that fuels a sense of entitlement in their conduct often behave that way.

But the researchers were surprised: “We thought that everyone would follow instructions when we told people that they would definitely get punished for not doing so, but entitled individuals still were less likely to follow instructions than less entitled individuals,” said Zitek.

When the study looked at the issue of perceived “fairness,” they got more to the source, at least as revealed by the experiment: The entitled people did not follow instructions because they would rather take a loss themselves than agree to something unfair,” wrote the authors.

Zitek suggests that “a challenge for (anyone) who needs to get people with a sense of entitlement to follow instructions is to think about how to frame the instructions to make them seem fairer or more legitimate.”

But good luck with that! Unless,. that is, you define “fairness” as acquiescing to whatever the entitled individual defines as “fair” to himself or herself.

The study was published in Social Psychology and Personality Science.

Credit: Benzinga

Immersion In Nature Increases Your Mental Health – New Evidence

December 19, 2017

From psychotherapy we know that mental health and well-being are elevated when people experience some kind of engagement or connection with the larger world, outside of themselves. That is, when you extend yourself, your perceptions, beyond focusing so much on your own self — your needs, worries, regrets or desires for the future.

A new empirical study finds evidence supporting what we see clinically. It found that virtually any form of immersion in the natural world, outside of your internal world, heightens your overall well-being and well as more positive engagement with the larger human community.

The research, described here, is from the University of British Columbia. It highlights, in my view, an essential dimension of what is truly “mental health” – the realm beyond healing and managing conflicts and dysfunctions. It’s the capacity to move “outside” of yourself and thereby Increase and broaden your mental and emotional perspectives. That’s the realm that grows from meditation – the mindfulness state of being in the present moment. It’s a kind of buffer zone between being pulled by emotions and thoughts about the past, or anticipations about the future. There, you’re simply present. Conscious, in the moment; observing the flow of mental and emotional activity; but not being pulled into it. That conscious “now” allows for greater inner calm, clearer judgment, and enables more focused, creative responses to everyday life.

This study that examined the effect of immersion in nature upon the overall sense of well-being of participants, was published in the Journal of Positive Psychology, and divided people into three different groups. For one group, immersion in nature was defined as taking time to engage in some form of connection with the natural world. That included not just walking in nature, but, as described in this summary, it included anything not human-built: a houseplant, a dandelion growing in a crack in a sidewalk, birds, or sun through a window.

“This wasn’t about spending hours outdoors or going for long walks in the wilderness,” said lead author Holli-Anne Passmore. “This is about the tree at a bus stop in the middle of a city and the positive effect that one tree can have on people.”

One of the other groups focused on their self-observations regarding human-made objects, and the third did neither. Passmore pointed out that the difference in the participants’ well-being —their happiness, sense of elevation, and their level of connectedness to other people, not just nature — was significantly higher than that of participants in the group which noticed how only human-built objects made them feel. It was also higher than the control group, which did neither.

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